My liefste boykie,
I’m still waiting for the penny to drop. I literally cannot believe that I will not ever get another rib-crushing hug from you. Sunday marked 7 weeks since we shared a last hug. A last I love you.
I get so angry when I’m out and about and I see parents ignoring their children. I almost, almost wanted to slap a mother the other day. She was so busy on her phone and her little blonde boy (they seem to be everywhere these days), desperately tried to get her attention but to no avail. I get angry when I see parents throwing their kids away to chase money. When mothers don’t want to mother. Neglected children. I want to walk up to them and slap the crap out of them and scream at the top of my lungs don’t you know that nothing is guaranteed!!! Don’t you know your child can be gone tomorrow?????
But I don’t. Like I always told you guys. Just be classy. But it wreathes through my insides like an angry ball of fire. Pappa and I spoke about this exact thing in the week. One small consolation for us (and we were/are by no means perfect and make lots of parental mistakes), we were always there for you guys. In whatever way possible. Emotional. Physical. Financial. We don’t have regrets that we could’ve, should’ve done more. I could have been an archaeologist in the Middle East. But you guys came first. And I’m super ok with that. You never ever get time back with your kids. A career can wait. Yes. Some moms HAVE to work. I’m talking about the mothers who are simply to flippen lazy to parent. Lesson learnt – be there for every moment your kid needs you.
Love your kids hard. So, so hard. Kiss them, tell them you love them, hug them to death. You know what it was like for me growing up. And I wanted to do things differently. Since the moment you and your sisters were born, I hugged and kissed you all to death. Every chance I got. And I always told you how much you were loved and how proud I am of the adults you all became. I’m so grateful for all those little moments. Like this silly photo of the two us, one of my favourites. Take as many photos as you can. I used to almost never take my phone out when we were all together, cause I thought, let’s live in the moment. Don’t style everything. But at the end of the day, all you have left is memories and photo’s.
I always told you guys that everything happens for a reason. The reason for your death definitely escapes me. But the lessons don’t. One of them is don’t be an asshole on the road. I’ve always been really quick to judge other people’s driving abilities. If they cut in ahead of you, don’t use an indicator, or whatever. The thing is…. you don’t know where those people are coming from, or where they are going. I drove like an idiot on my way back from the funeral home with your ashes and almost wiped out a little old man because I was crying so hard. You just don’t know. The driver in the other car could very well be just another ass with poor driving abilities, but it could just as well be someone that is going through a helluva time. Cut people some slack.
Same goes for grocery stores. We’re all so impatient. So desperate to get done and be in and out, that we forget to show kindness to others around us. One of the few times that I’ve left the house the last few weeks was to get some urgent goodies from Checkers. I literally bumped a woman slam-bang out of the way, (once again, because I was desperate to keep back my tears and not make a spectacle of myself), and she was KIND. She didn’t shout at me, or clicked her tongue, or gave me a dirty look. She was kind. Lesson learnt. Always be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. (What a cliche, but they are so true, hey?)
I miss you boykie. Insanely. Madly. I took Mariana to go and clean your house. It was brutal, because I could still see you in front of your braai. Oh man, how proud you were to have your own braai. The estate agent might have a tenant for the house. Evidently a nice man. So we’ll see. I told her we want kind, special people in there. Nurturing people. I really hope I don’t have to go back there soon again. It just breaks my heart too much.
We’re all still having a really tough time, and memories are everywhere. Pappa and I will be going away next week. No phones, no people we know, no memories. It’ll probably do us the world of good. Pappa is really struggling without you. He misses his braai and (sometimes) golf buddy so much. The girls as well. Phoebe had another interview yesterday, and I literally don’t know how she got through it, because yesterday was super hard on her. (BTW, both jobs she applied for, she got, but decided on Noop; I think you would’ve loved that, seeing that was one of your favourite restaurants). I feel so sorry for Vannah though. She has to struggle on her own when she has bad days. It’s not like we can get in to the car and drive through quickly. But your sister is one of the bravest, strongest young woman I know, so I know she’ll get through this as well.
Al die liefde, altyd,